Lefty's Revenge

In my "Dialysis bl0g" I wrote about some days being better than other.
"With dialysis there are good days and bad days. The bad aren't too bad, and the good aren't great."
I don't think that was as true when I first wrote it as it is now.
(oh great I'm already quoting myself)

On an emotional level, the big D has got me a little.. frazzled, to say the least. It is something I have to do every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I can't call in sick, reschedule, or make up an excuse to not go in the Monday after a holiday. No long weekends in Tahoe with friends, no watching the fireworks on rooftops in Oakland, and no sunday quests for an adventure in San Francisco. Reguardless of my physical limitations, missing these big events just for Dialysis is getting tough. Instead I sit there, struggling to feel stong enough to get up off the couch and move to my bed. Dialysis and I could use a vacation. Some time apart from this life-sucking husband would be just peachy. But that can't happen. We're joined at the hip, unfortunately.

Each day at Dialysis I weigh myself on their fancy huge scale, and they see how much fluid I have gained (real talk: I pee one time a day, and that's it) based on comparing that to my 'dry weight.' (how much I usually weigh when I leave D) My time on the machine is not only made to filter all of my blood through my small plastic kidney, but they also take off the extra water weight. Taking off 2-5 pounds of water weight over the course of 3.5 hours is NOT as easy on your body as it sounds.


The physical effects on my body are becoming more and more difficult to adjust to. It's like the fatigue is building up, I am finding it impossible to not sleep through Dialysis, (why my blogs have been trickling through slowly) and on my off-duty days, I am finding it impossible to wake up before 3pm. Currently, my head is POUNDING and it wont stop for hours, my legs are already starting to ache and probably wont stop all week. I am constantly uncomfortable, sitting, standing, sleeping. And on days where I am free to go on an adventure or enjoy nature, I'm too exauseted to walk ten feet and sit on a fucking bench.

This is especially difficult, because no matter how sick I have gotten, I have always had my same positive affect and smile, and you can't exactly tell by looking at a Kidney that they are sick. The validity of my illness is questioned everyday. From asshole Mr. Wooten in middle school P.E. class, to JUDGES in COURTS, to every single person that has ever employed me, to friends that "don't understand why I cant just do it."

I'm sorry. I'm trying the best I can, there is just a lot less of me to go around these days. I want to do everything my friends do, and I want go camping, I want to take a break, I want to call in sick to Dialysis, I want to go swimming, and I want to be able to take care of everyone that depends on me. But I'm weak, and I know it.

Stop reminding me, it sucks.